Never Said I Wasn't Crazy

Honestly, I never told anyone I wasn't crazy. True I'm not crazycrazy but I'm a little loose but who isn't? It's just sometimes I say out the way things... My ex took me to this point and it just hasn't left me! Lol That was 5 years ago when the craziness started. I tried to hit him with the car... forget the whole smashing windows thing... lol Crazy thing is I found the right one... He did like some superhero type of move and jumped on the car (i wasn't going too fast) and started walking on it. The dent is still in the roof if you need proof. Anyway after we broke up, I not only realized he taught me some great life lessons from our escapades, I also thought he cursed me!! I could not find a man to be in a long term relationship with! Back then long to me meant like 9 months, which is where we really ended... but we were off and on for 3 yrs or so, i don't really remember these things! Lol.

Guys always tell me I'm crazy, my friends do too. But like I said it's the silly crazy where I say crazy stuff. I dealt with a crazy guy and he rubbed off on me... I began thinking that I must be so crazy that guys don't want to be with me! Okay I only thought that once! I will stop being dramatic. My boyfriend now is constantly saying he thinks another reason why he loves me is that I'm crazy and there is never a dull moment! So now I'm encouraged for it! I can't really describe me but if you know me, you might agree to this... I just hope one day I do not have to go super crazy on someone, because you know how nice ppl snap when they are fed up. I'm somewhat nice (when I feel like it), I haven't fought someone since like 3rd grade, and I smile alot lol...so I'm afraid if the situation presents itself it will not be pretty. Well I'm not here to be a "internet gangster" (lol) just writing my thoughts down and it's not a crime. Once again if you know me I like to squash drama... I'm not down for the cause!

It's me It's Me IT'S ME!!! lol (yeah I know that had no place, I just felt like writing it)

You cant live without this crazy girl though... so keep reading... oh and when you see my movie like 2yrs from now (thanks phil) you will agree that this chick gotta be a little crazy. I really need to write for that and the book. I keep saying I need money but I don't write!! OH i also need an apple laptop... hook that up too! lol

I don't want to incriminate myself any further so I will leave on that note!!

Money worries???

I should be writing for my movie... but i'm here with you... how you like that? lol so this is what I cannot stand, the whole job issue going on. It has always been kind of hard to get one, but it's even harder of course now with the economy. I've been looking since December, and true at some moments I would fill out applications and hope and pray they do not call back. But ever since March when my brother and I decided we will get an apartment together in July, I've been hoping and praying someone will call! Well they haven't. That gets me but what really gets me is when people assume that I'm not really searching! For the past 3 weeks alone I've filled out 3 applications in person each week and I even called 2 of the stores which proved pointless!! Anyway, my boo is the worse because he said he can tell I don't want a job, I just want to party. And I really don't appreciate it! I told him if it was meant for me I would get it pointblank. He still doesn't think I put forth enough effort, and that really hurts my feelings... Its too hard out here and he has a job so he doesn't understand I don't think. He is really quick to tell me about how others are getting jobs and wants to know why I haven't gotten one... Why are you comparing me? You wouldn't want me to do that... Come on now man! His ex even had the nerve to say "What she still hasn't found one?". Now I had to go off on that. I asked him why is she all up in my business and worried about me. If she's not about to help me then she need to keep it moving... I honestly can't stand her like some ppl cannot stand their significant others baby mommas. Except thankfully they don't have a kid... they have 5 years of history... and she just won't go away. But that's another blog!! Ugh

Back to the job hunt... I am frustrated but please believe it is not taking over my life or anything. I just need a frickin job!!! Cuz I need money and I'm just being honest... if you can help a sister out... help me out... I'll repay you somehow.

I Don't Know How We Got Here

I don't know how we got so far so quick. I honestly didn't think it would come to this. Me and you? Never... And its not due to looks or personalities or anything. It's just I'm not big on commitment and I just was not ready for this... Me settle down? Never. How did we get to this point? I don't know. I don't know how I fell for you, how I began to yearn for your smile, how I began to crave your attention, how I began to love you, and how I began to give my all to you... I just don't know how but I guess that makes it so great... I didn't see it coming. But it scares me... It scares me to love you, scares me to think of the future... What are we doing? Are we supposed to be together forever, how will I know? I just don't know, if this is what I want... What am I missing out on? Its never worth it to act on lust, never worth going past a crush...
on someone else...
looking is fine, no one is perfect just don't go pass it...

I know it has to be hard. You just never know. All you do is keep moving and follow your heart. Try not to let your brain ruin whats good. But still you never know... You may be with the one you want to marry and then you find out they arent the one... And you get crushed. But you cant let that fear take over you and the relationship or it won't get far anyway... Never let a secret you keep destroy you because it will have the same result... Love love, and don't let fear take over you. I said try... that's all we can do in life...

In relationships alot happens that will put you on the edge... and you just don't know if you will make it. But you got to make it work. Work at it unless you know it just will not be worth it... You be the judge because no one can make that decision for you...

I Love Drake (DRIZZY)

Hey, I know I'm late but remember I'm new to this so this is relevant!! lol I love Drake, he is the truth, real, and just plain great! Honestly, I listen to him all day every day! I'm so happy my homeboys put me on him around september and that him n wayne decided to make songs however long ago that was...! Anyway I'm listening to him right now! okay but real talk. please support him. It's rare that I really really promote for ppl (mainly because I dont know these ppl). But if you arent on that Drizzy yet, you need to reconsider. Even if you dont like rap like that... he is a rapper and a singer so u will love it... he's above all the bull u may hear on the regular... and i heard he's like 21 or somethin, he could definitely b my boo! lol

I finally made a mp3 cd with all the songs I have by him... its like a total 55 songs... I havent even been able to listen to all... but i've heard about 40 lol... I love the so far gone mixtape-- its truly the best mix of his songs... You can listen to it straight thru... on there i guess i can say my favs are... well honestly they all are awesome!! I cant pick!!

But please check him out...

I love his flow, i love his voice, i love his lyrics, he so real, and when he sings... i love it! Drake is the deal... just like how I say Wayne is the deal! Check him out, look him up... do not cheat yourself. You will regret it

p.s. i've been liking him since he was jimmy on degrassi, i know you have heard that before... if not crawl from up under your rock and look that up too! :-)

Love You

Written April 16, 2008

I felt like writing a note and as usual its on a serious level... I write this for all my girls and ppl I do not know but I'm sure it can apply to guys (I can only write from my point of view- a female's).

I have a challenge for everyone... I WANT EVERYONE To love themselves for them... HONESTLY, ask yourself does your wellbeing depend on what others think of you? Do you love every part of you overall? Would you really change yourself just to fit in? ( i mean i know ppl have one thing they would want to change but obviously there are 50 million other things to consider about yourself, thats why I say overall) I hope the answers to this are NO, Yes, and NO. I know we all know better but sometimes it helps to hear this from a friend...

You should never depend on anyones opinions to make you... You should never put someone before you in normal situations (unless its the obvious, your child). For example a man should never come before you. YOU are the only person who matters in YOUR life... DONT make it about him, he's just a character in your play. Who is he to determine what happens in your life? I repeat YOU SHOULD BE THE ONLY ONE! True love is hard to find that is true... Who knows if any of us are truly there until we are 70 yrs and that special person is still with you & so in love (if we reach that age... ya know)? But you should not have to force that love... If he doesnt want to be with you, youre just making it worse to beg him or force him to stay. Then he is staying out of pity... I must say I have been there when Quintel (my play brother) had to keep telling someone how to treat me the RIGHT way, then one day it clicked in my head... NO one should have to force him to repeatedly do me right... So I left. I finally realized he'll never learn and its still true cuz he's still doing girls wrong. His lost Oh well. At least I'm not still in that situation getting gray hair beating myself up on the inside... I must admit that yeah I have said "why couldn't he just have acted right? We could be happy." Then I snap out of it. He had to be let go so I could move on to better things (and for 2 yrs they werent) but I finally knew what to tolerate and what not.

Yeah finally getting strong enough to be your own person... independent and all... will be extremely hard. But believe me You will be so proud when you finally do! I was and I just cant stop promoting it. I want everybody to get there to better themselves, if they havent experienced it yet. I just feel so sad hearing about things females go through with their men... it really is unacceptable and at that point its when we ALL need someone to snap us out of it! These men may not be beating you on the outside but they are on the inside. And this does not only apply to our boyfriends... It can apply to family too...:

I'm going through that at the moment but I kind of have it all figured out. You know how ppl complain about us girls complaining about our figure/size? Well yeah media plays a part but for girls like me, family does too. For yrs certain members tell me how big I am and then act like its cause for a celebration when it looks like I lost some... That helps you to be insecure too and I've gotten over that... I love my size, my figure, my hair, my teeth and my big eyebrows! Yup I wouldnt change a thing. Also, I was always searching for close family members approval when doing things and after this last situation with me and Twain I realize I don't need their approval... (cept mommy's lol) Like I said before, its MY LIFE (and kennethia helped remind me of that) and I want to be held accountable for ALL decisions. I dont want to say I missed out cause I was worried about what they would say... When its all over and I'm at the Golden Gate and they want to ask me questions I want to be able to say "I did what I thought was best"

No one needs negativity in their life and I've gotten rid of it... I encourage you to do the same. We are all adults and we need to stop blaming others for our troubles... own up to your own shit, stop worrying about what others think... No one needs to create ulcers and whatever unhealthy situations that come from stress... I'm all about love right now and I had to cut out those who weren't regardless of who they were. I love them but I don't need any extra baggage or stress. I'm tired of always cleaning ppl's mess up and being the one who pleases everyone (cuz I'm the good girl). Well I still am the good girl but I don't care anymore and I want to encourage everyone to live for themselves... make the world better in your own way. Keep friends who encourage you not friends who bring you down. And give family space when they need it... Dont cut them off completely- we cant afford to, slavery set us back too far!

Read "He's Just Not Into You" if you havent already, I have apparently passed mine on cuz I havent seen it in 2 yrs... the world will not end if he leaves you, it will just feel like it for awhile. But we are strong women and we have to do what is best for us and if he is doing you wrong then he is NOT whats best. Love yourself before you attempt to love someone else. Take time off between relationships, don't just jump in something. And if it reminds you of a past relationship gone wrong... WHY DO IT OVER AGAIN AND HURT YOURSELF?? You have to set your own boundaries and goals (yes this applies to relationships) and it will get you further in the relationship... and COMMUNICATE! He is not God... everything he says does not go... Anywho I just want us all to think about what we are doing in our lives- since everyone thrives off relationships, thats what I'm writing.

I think all of you are beautiful and talented and sometimes I just wish you saw what I see in You!

Some of you may not need this advice right now but I just want to get this out. I love you guys and thats on the realest shit I've ever wrote...

copyright 2008

for the men... if you read the whole thing, most of this can apply to your relationships and I just wanted you to know i got it together right now... (i know yall stay worried) :-)

Relationships

I would like to start off reminding you that you will never know what is about me and what is not (meaning it could be something inspired by what a friend or a stranger does). Having said that... Relationships are interesting. Have you ever cheated? Did you tell? Or did you keep the secret and am still holding it in? Is there such a thing as slightly cheating and full on cheating?... In 10th grade or so I must admit I did cheat. I kissed another guy. I honestly did not think it was cheating until I told my boyfriend and he informed me that it was. He pointed out that if I did that to him I would think it was! That was a good point and I've learned from that. But in the minds of some I've heard well a kiss is nothing, especially if there was nothing behind it. Its kind of contradicting, because as I said I believe if someone did it to them they would not be saying it is nothing.

But sometimes I understand it really is nothing behind a kiss. Its the same as when you kiss someone for the first time and there is no emotion in it- most likely thats not who you need to be with. I need sparks and fireworks... something!! If you cant kiss, I cant deal... but thats me, moving on...

Things happen for a reason. Sometimes there are hints and clues as to your future. You just have to be open and listen for it when it comes... However, how do you know when its not just you reading too much into it? Back to the 10th grade thing, was that kiss supposed to tell me that I was not into the guy I was dating as much as I thought I was? Or was I just being careless? You be the judge... But I have a friend who has gone through this recently at the age of 22... Is it a sign or just sabotage? There is always room to flirt but there is a thin line... Things can go too far. I know plenty of people have gone through this and well I kind of have no advice for my friend. I do have another friend who actually took things way too far and "full on cheated" and had sex with some girl.... Actually I do not know if him and his girlfriend are dating anymore because I thought he had a little more sense than to do her friend... but I digress, I did tell him he was wrong...

We are all young and maybe thats why they tell us not to get tied down. I tell that to kids in high school but I also know they are going to do what they want to do... Thats another story... Even though elders tell us not to be tied down at a certain age, I wonder when is the right age? I know they can't possibly believe that once someone turns 30 or something they will all of a sudden have that out of their system and decide to be a one person woman or a one person man!! I know ppl who are in their 40's that can't settle down for cheating and being scared of commitment. All I have to say is don't judge me or others my age... I love saying "say your piece and be done with it!" Please stop repeating ur too young to be in a relationship. It should be about you as a person and if you feel you are ready. Everyone live your life. Feel free to respond... I kind of would like you too lol

the 1st

I never thought I would sign up for a blog... Well I am in the process of trying to write a book n screenplays with a friend... I always have writers block or am too lazy to write... I figure this will help... so we shall soon see... lol... i'm kind of excited but kind of like what to write about.... I always let my fingers do the walking. Oh how I wish I had a macbook right now... Oh well. This blog will be semi-personal and semi-fiction... Depends on what mood I'm in. Enjoy the ride. Thought this deserved to have an intro blog to break its virginity... lol Alright ;-)